Growing my own Garden

I am a single Manila girl.  I think that being 28 and single nowadays has a lot of great potential! You can do whatever you want as long as you have the resources and are able to find the right opportunities.  With no one relationship to focus on, you also learn to appreciate the other relationships you have around you.  In my case, I was blessed to have three dates this week – a Romansa date with one of my favorite women, another with my best friend, Mike, and a date with myself. 
Romansas, a term coined by my friend, Riza, may come in different forms:  coffee dates, dinner dates, merienda, sitting under a mango tree, walking or jogging together, sharing a pack of cigarettes – it’s really up to what fits you and your date.  The important ingredients are conversation and connection. 
One of my romansa partners, a mom of 3, a wife for 11 years and lover for 14, never fails to amaze me.  Our most recent rendezvous was no different.  I came to our date with a lot in my head.  I was tired, very very tired. 

For more than two years now, I have been in love with Mark, a man who does not and will not love me back.  I was ready for a pity-party.  We sat at a corner table of one of our favorite restos along Katipunan Ave.  She listened patiently to my rants and my outpouring of emotions.  She said a few words and then went on to sharing about her own experiences, too.  Funny how she didn’t have to address my own concerns directly but inspired me nonetheless.  Instead of indulging into the pity-party, at the end of our little date, I was reminded of how beautiful I am and how much I deserve someone who will adore me for being me. What inspires me is how she is daringly and audaciously honest with her feelings, feelings I can imagine a lot of people being too ashamed to admit.

Every time I have moments like this with her, I always have a secret desire for her wisdom to magically rub-off on me.  My being friends with her is good for my womanhood.  It didn't really matter how filling the baked ziti and penne with chorizo Parmesan cream were or how fulfilling the chocolate marble waffle was.  What is of essence was the heartwarming discovery that our sharing a little part of ourselves to each other enriched us both. 

Connection.  A few days ago, a friend of mine posted a line from the movie, Before Sunset, in one of her blog entries.  The line goes :  "I guess when you're young you just believe there are a lot of people you'll connect with... later in life you learn that it only happens a few times"  I think I've lived my life long enough for it to become a testimony to that theory.  It’s one thing to connect with many people in different ways and another thing to discover connections that are consequential, even evocative, something that is almost life-altering, or is life-altering. 

My best friend, Mike, and I had a crepe dinner at our favorite restaurant along Tomas Morato.  We haven’t seen each other in a while.  That night, Mike told me that he was newly engaged.  I shrieked in excitement.  I knew I was going to miss the single Mike but I know he deserves no less than to be with the woman he loves. 
Because of this news, I got to thinking about my relationship with Mike.  I know I love the guy but what was the significance of his friendship to my life? 

I’ve always been most myself when I am around Mike.  I learned to love and like myself because he loved me well.  So now that he’s getting married soon, I know that we won’t be spending as much time with each other but, like he taught me through his friendship with me, I know that I will be fine because I have all that I need within me. 

Yay, ballet! I’ve been taking adult ballet classes for more than a week now.  This afternoon was going to be my fourth class, I wasn’t in the mood to go to ballet.  I just wanted to sulk in a mini pity-party that my mind did not approve of but my sensitive ‘id’ wanted to mull over.  I knew I was being silly, especially knowing what going to ballet class really meant to me - an exercise to love my body.  So I dragged myself to the studio.  I forced myself to get out of bed and grab my towel and prepare to go.  By the time I was putting on my leotard and jeans, I was already excited.  Yay, ballet!  I walked tall, closing my ribs, being careful not to over protrude my already sticking-out butt.  I did that while walking to the corner to get a cab.  Talk about psyching one self up. 
During the first three classes, I didn't seem to sweat at all and I hated it.  All this exercise and no sweat?  Awhile ago, I was sweating like a pig while doing the exercises.  Now that felt like a work out!  Then I realized it was because prior to today’s class, I was half doing the exercises and half watching to get them right, plus I was so tense I held my breath instead of breathing freely with the movement.  I wasn’t allowing enough oxygen to flow through my body, therefore, no sweat. 
At the end of every one of the first three classes I attended, we would bow as a group.  At the end of today’s class my classmates and I bowed one by one.  It was the closest to being the ballerina that I wished I had become.  It was wonderful to have been able to acknowledge myself in the mirror in front of the whole class.  It was an empowering experience.  

I always thought that I needed a man to successfully grow a garden – to till the soil, mow the grass and lift the heavy machinery, but I realized that I could do all those things myself.  I could plant the seeds, water the plants, weed the garden and grow my own beautiful garden with all my favorite flora…and then have picnics in it and take tours around it with a wonderful man in the future.  

--Joanna de Guzman, Manila