My little man

I miss being a full time mom. I miss being able to just hug my baby whenever I can. There were times before, where I fell in love, thought I felt in love...at least it felt that way. But this is better. I feel like the intimacy I share with my son sometimes is indescribable. He can just look at me a certain way and understand how I feel, read my thoughts, see through me. I don't have to force him, cry..argue with him...to see me, even when I try very hard to hide it from him..even in those moments when I don't say anything at all but it's just getting to hard to take. I miss that. 

I miss the pinch of his nose, the way he cups my face to, "give Mommy a kiss-kiss". I've never felt this close to anyone before. I never had anyone this linked to me about how I feel, how I think...I've never sacrificed so much for one person. And when I am with him, I feel so free. I feel this euphoric sense of delight...and it's real! I have been with others before, even in the romantic sense, and there were times that it felt burdensome, like you were trying to make a moment happen, instead of letting the moment happen. Sometimes when I call him, from all the way here, I get nervous and think that, now that we don't see each other, it'll be coerced...that awkwardness where you try to come up with things to say. But it is never that way...talking with, sharing with him is no burden at all...it's effortless. Okay, okay, he's 4 and of course there is that thing about bond between mother and child. But I never expected it to feel like this. I never expected to feel this loved? happy? grateful...to be a mom. I truly, honestly love it...even those late nights when I didn't know what to do to make him stop crying...even during those times, when we are in a public place, and everyone and God is looking at us, like a spectacle, a mockery of why not to bring your child out in public...and I find myself sweating in place, this weird smirk of apology and shame on my face to everyone ogling, trying to figure out why this kid is screaming, crying and carrying on like so...and truth be told, yes..I did think at some points during those moments, "I am going to kiILLLl lyou...oh! wait til we GET HOMMME!" but even then I find myself surrendering...and instead of getting mad or trying to get even, I find myself trying to find ways to make it better if not just okay for him.

In that temporary moment of insanity, I still love him...O, I don't really want to kill him...how can I? someone who's brought such good things out of me..who's the essence of the hardship paying off...with all the things, stuff I chose to/did not choose/didn't really know any better at the time so I would just endure and hopefully things will get better at the other end....and still manage to love me, as I am...how can I want that out of life..that even at my worst, he still manages to show me/give me love...telling me stories that only a 4 year old fully understand but is trying to sympathize with me by coming up with stories only a 4 year old would understand so that Mommy can hear his voice...how did I ever, why did I ever hesitate for a moment with that? Why did I...I cannot believe I truly struggled with that... Thank you God. You could have brought anyone, anyone else in my life...and you did bring, have brought some pretty amazing people to my life...and I know there are more out there coming but thank you for this... thank you for him. I really am so 100 zillion times grateful...I love you..You are THE MAN. I love being a mom...I miss it...now, about that little girl... into Your Hands o Lord...

Tara, Manila