Growing up, I never saw my dad for breakfast. I never saw him in a business suit, or carrying a briefcase. He wasn't that dad that would take work-related calls at dinner or have to cut his hair in a nice work-appropriate style. I grew up with a dad who would meditate for 30 minutes with his door closed, and then head over to host his noontime variety show, record songs in the afternoon and philosophize with us for hours at the dinner table.
My mom was always an artist. She never had an office job, never was one of those women who came home stressed and tired and having to cook dinner for the family. She did pottery for hours on end, helped us study for exams, took us to our gymnastics or ballet lessons, on shopping sprees behind my dad's back and to get our teeth pulled out. I would see her painting, drawing or doing some sort of crafty activity on a regular basis.
Here I am now, working a 9-5 job-something I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever do. It was never a dream of mine to work in an office, or to do anything BUT what I was passionate about. My points of reference where both artists, both working on their own time, to their own beat.
I always worked that way too, and for the first time, I decided to try something new, which was insert a bit of structure in my life to balance myself out. I won't lie, it's been a difficult time adjusting to knowing you need to be in one place for 8-9 hours a day. It's frustrating to not be able to attend weekday get togethers and brainstorming because it's at 4 pm and you can't leave, or to not see your daughter except on weekends because she's asleep when you get home.
I know millions of people have been in this rat race for decades, but I guess I still need time to get used to it. Despite the growing pains, there are, of course, many things I am still grateful for.
My daughter and my boyfriend are two people that have been extremely patience with me during this indulgent post-Saturn depression I've been going through. I am more than grateful for my daughter's after-work hugs and wide excited eyes. I'm thankful for my boyfriend's late night, 2 hour phone calls where it's mostly me talking and him making me feel better.
I'm grateful for the slow and steady living here in the South, and although I miss seeing my friends all the time, I find myself wishing they would all move here instead of me moving out there.
I'm grateful that I HAVE a job. Even if I complain about not having time to do what I want, feeling caged in an office and all that, I have a job. Some people spend months, even years trying to find one, and I have it. It has it's compromises for sure, and things I wish were different (I still wish I could work from home) but at the end of the day, I'm dong what I gotta and working for my daughter's future. Can't hate on that.
So even if life isn't always perfect, even if I can't always be the happy go lucky hippie I've always been, life IS good. And now more than ever I understand the words "The struggle is the blessing"
...because really, it is.
Funny, I'm going through the same stuff. Often times I look outside the office windows and wonder "what am I doing here??" You're right. It does feel like you're caged. Because when I look out that window, I realize all the things that I CAN do. I miss writing, and playing music, and being onstage. But I wasn't born in a super well-off family. I need a job. And as much as I would love to pursue all those bigger dreams, I gotta be patient for now, and hope that in the future I may finally be able to live for my passion. Good things after all, come to those who wait.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Erica.